We can all imagine how it would feel to learn our child is being bullied, but what do parents do when they learn it is their child doing the bullying?
The Kids Research Institute Australia cyber safety expert Professor Donna Cross says parents can be shocked and upset to learn their child is involved in bullying.
“It doesn’t mean your child is ‘bad’ or that you have done something to invoke this in your child,” Professor Cross says. “In fact, most children are capable of bullying behaviour at some time and it’s our job as parents to discourage this behaviour as soon as it appears and show our children ways other than bullying to achieve their social goals.”
Professor Cross says there can be many reasons why children may bully others, including:
- They don’t know how else to get their peers to do what they want
- They feel they can get power from bullying others
- To try to be popular and become well known at school
- They are scared and want to scare others to hide these feelings
- They are unhappy and take it out on others
- They are being bullied themselves or have significant family or friends who bully
If your child is bullying others or you suspect they may be bullying others, Professor Cross recommends parents respond in a calm and helpful manner and suggests the following tips for navigating the process:
- Explain what bullying is and why it is not acceptable.
- Talk with your child about the impact of bullying on others. Try to help them to understand what it is like for the person being bullied.
- Ask how them how they would feel if they were being bullied.
- Make clear rules and consequences and be consistent in addressing inappropriate behaviour.
- Look for opportunities to praise your child when he/she shows empathy for others and doesn’t engage in negative interactions.
- Increase supervision of your child’s use of technology - Even if the bullying isn’t occurring online, the behaviours can often co-occur.
- Discuss with your child why it is important not to laugh at anyone being bullied, not to join in bullying, not to give a person who is bullying others attention, and to be conscious of their own behaviour towards other students.
- Ask your child to talk with you about why they are using bullying behaving. Try to help them identify other ways they can achieve the goals they want from the bullying behaviour.
- If they are experiencing problems at school, or if other children expect them to bully or encourage them to do so, talk with them about ways they can ask for help from someone they trust at school.
- Develop a plan together. Rather than taking control and suggesting all the actions your child can take to deal with this behaviour, help him or her to work out a realistic plan of what they could do to help make the situation better.
- Make an appointment for both of you with your child’s school to discuss their behaviour if it is occurring at school. It is best for your child to come with you to the meeting, so ensure the time is convenient for all involved.
- Follow-up with the school and your child at regular intervals to find out what else can be to help him or her to behave more positively.
Professor Cross says bullying behavior can be a sign a child is experiencing a difficult time emotionally and encourages parents to seek help from a mental health professional if they have any concerns.
“Sometimes schools see bullying perpetration as only a discipline problem and not also a possible social or emotional learning difficulty or skills lag,” Professor Cross says.
More information on The Kids Research Institute Australia’s work in the area of bullying is available here.
